Homesickness is a strong sensation that I really didn't think would affect me this much but it is slowly creeping more and more into my life everyday - it makes you feel a sense of pain in places of your heart you didn't know functioned. I must say now that this is not because I am not having a good time - I am having a great time and my family have been amazing to me. I appreciate the oppurtunities I get everyday and I often sit and think about how lucky and priveledged that I am. Not many people get these oppurtunities. First, to have foreign family but secondly to be able to go and live with them in a new and exciting country.
Foreign. I think that is the main reason for this homesickness that I am feeling. I am so far out of my usual comfort zone that I feel out in the open but obviously that is not a bad thing. Where I was, sitting in my comfort zone, I wasn't really going anywhere. Everyday of my life appeared to be the same except ofcourse for the times when I made an effort to do something exciting.
It all began when I finished school in 2013; I graduated with fairly good results and I got accepted into the course that I wanted to study at my dream University. I struggled to find what the problem was; I have everything that I orginially thought that I wanted. But something very important was missing, I had no idea what it was that I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And every part of my being wanted to make this decision, to go to University and follow the path that was expected of me - but I couldn't do it.
I wanted to be sure that I had made the right decision. So I decided to take a gap year and ultimately I hoped to discover what it was that I wanted from life. I knew what I had interests in, but not long term interests. Looking back now at the person I was when I was that age, I can't help but dwell upon the fact that I had no idea of who I was as a person. I was in a relationship that was toxic for my personality, I had no strong hobbies or interests, I was not highly focussed and I didn't have any outrageous dreams.
Initally with this year, I decided that I wanted to work to save money for a trip to Europe to visit multiple countries and meet my German family. So this is what I had in mind the whole year while I worked away at a job that I didn't like with a boss I despised - a job that literally bored me to tears - but I carried on with it. I went to Europe in October together with my mum and my aunty. I was with them for 2 weeks and rest of the time I was all by myself. It really pushed me out of my comfort zone but I am glad that I did it because I met some great people and had a different experience to one I would have had if I went with people that I know. I went for 42 days and during this time I visited 14 countries, made countless memories, ticked multiple items of my 'To-do List' and made strong connections with the family I had never met before.
Following my return home, I felt like a changed person. Everything in my life was different; my love life, my viewpoints on the world, my ideas for the future, my personal health and fitness goals and my level of knowledge on travelling. Looking back now, I didn't realise at the time how niave I was in terms of everything - it is unbelievable how many different factors in your life change after you have travelled. Travelling is a path of growth, it changed my entire mindset. I fell in love with Europe, I love that didn't vanish once I went home. I constantly thought about all the beauty that I had seen and I longed to see some many more countries and small cities. To drink coffee in beautiful cafes and find places that contain beauty you didn't even know existed.
Now that I had returned home I was once again faced with the decision whether or not to go to University, while I had made some progress on what I wanted from my life I was still completely undecided on what career path I wanted to choose. I have always had trouble making decisions, no matter what. Even in a restaurant I struggle to decide on what to order. 'If I choose that will it be worth it? Will I regret my decision? Would I have rather choose something else?' - these are the sort of questions that seem to run through my mind with every decision that I make. So when it came to deciding what I wanted to do for the course of my entire life, you can only imagine the struggle I was facing. My biggest fear was making a decision that I would later regret - I have so much time ahead of me in my life, why is there pressure to decide now what it is that I want to do?
I decided against going to University; after all I knew that I could defer my offer for a maximum of two years, so I decided to take time to further analyse my options. University in Australia is very expensive - the course I got accepted into would set me back around $7,000 AUD in debt EACH YEAR. This doesn't include the cost of transportation, accomodation, textbooks, food and any other outstanding bills. Overall life in Australia is very expensive and when you are a student everything becomes even more difficult because you are forced to work less hours due to study prioroties and limited availability. So after all these money and exhaustation I wanted to make sure that the subject areas I was going to choose would be exactly what I would want to do.
So I battled through 2015 in a job that I hated until one day I decided that something had to change and that it had to change fast. This is when I decided to move to Germany. By this time I had discovered what I was passionate about, I had developed hobbies and interests, I had grown mentally and developed my personal health and fitness levels and knew what I wanted to do with my future. Go to Germany and learn Deutsch and then if all went well, study Social Science at the Geothe University in Frankfurt am Main. I have grown a strong interest in Social Science and I believe it is an underated characteristc that affects the way that society functions - I believe the research and knowledge surrouding it is very beneficial.
Although I am excited for what my future holds I can't help my desperately miss my family at home. More than anything I miss my mum and dad so incredibly much - they mean the world to me and they have stood by me no matter what I have decided to do with my life. They easily accepted my choices when I wasn't ready to go to University and they equally accepted my choice to try out a new life all the way on the other side of the world. It is often that I feel slightly overcome by a sense of homesickness but I constantly have to remind myself that this is what I chose - nobody forced it upon me, no one insisted that I do it. I did it on my own free will based on what I wanted to achieve with my life.
I strongly believe in making the most of every single day, so ultimately that is my life goal.